Painfully Blessed

I spent the last few days visiting with my in-laws. I got to see nieces and the sister-in-laws along with my mother and father-in-law. I love spending time with them. I love to see my girls enjoy time with their cousins. We have a little family tradition of making Gingerbread houses while we are there. It is always so much fun for all of them. My thirteen year old niece still enjoys the stickiness of it all. Each trip we take there I take a book to read. I rarely have the opportunity to read a book so I take something that will keep my attention. About a month ago a friend let me borrow her copy of Mary Beth Chapman's new book. It has sat all over my house but I just could not bring myself to read it. A friend of mine told me a long time ago that she never saw the movie "RAIN MAN" because she lived it. Her son had autism. She just did not feel the need to see on the big screen what she lived everyday of her life with her grown son. I kind of looked at the book that way. "Do I really want to delve into that pain today?" "Am I mentally prepared to go there with Mary Beth?" It is hard to believe that we lost our son 9 years ago, but there are days when the wound is fresh. There are days that are extremely hard for me and I can't really explain it to anyone. I always find myself silent when someone starts up a birth conversation. Did you have a c-section?Were you in pain for a long time? Etc. Etc. I want to say I am still in pain. It is a pain that just hides in my heart and when people bring these things up it comes to the surface like a knife and cuts it in half. I want to scream at times I still hurt, it is still there, want to see the scars? Do you? I ache for that boy. I do ache for him. There are days that I wish he could be around to do all the boy things that my little MA wants to do. She loves frogs and lizards and all things gross, but she also desperately wants to be a girlie girl. She is a torn princess tomboy. A boy could help her out on those tomboy days.
So, I pushed that book around the house for a month. It always seem to be there though. Looking at me. Steven and Mary Beth on the cover. I took it this weekend. I thought how this would be a great weekend to read it. My mother-in-law is so great with the girls and my nieces love to spend time with them. I thought I may have time to at least read a few chapters. I could not put it down. I finished it over the course of the weekend. It was a real healing for me. Thank you Mary Beth. I know you would rather have little Maria back than a thank you from me, but I have to say thank you. I have never felt more connected to a person in my entire life. Her life experiences were not the same as mine, but her views of the way life is supposed to be reminded me of myself. I had a plan for myself and this is not the life I planned. The life I imagined for myself was much, much different, but my plan and GOD's plan did not match. At almost 40, it is time for me to realize that I can either go with the flow of His plan or I can continue to buck the system and still have to follow His plan. I am getting too old to buck the system. As I reflect on my life, I realize that I am happy. Life is good. Where else would I want to be right now? No where. I love my husband, my kids, and my friends. I am deeply in love with the LORD. I am closer to GOD today than I have ever been in my life. I know that my life depends on HIM. I have no reason to buck the system. He has given me so much and I am blessed daily.
I look at all the Chapman family has been through in such a very public way and I so feel for them. I get to keep my pain to myself most of the time. I don't wake up each day hurting for my boy. I call to him at times to protect his sisters for me. It now catches me off guard when the pain hits, but to have to deal with it so publicly I can not imagine. I remember last year when AG received her first communion. It was so exciting. We got the dress and the veil. We went and bought her pretty little white shoes. We sent out white invitations and I was so excited for her. What a huge milestone in our lives. We were sitting in front and we were the first family to go up. Mark and I were so happy and proud of her at that moment. We came around the pew and went back to the kneelers as each family went up. Then all of a sudden I just started crying in agony. It just overtook me and I could not recover. I just sobbed and sobbed. I am sure the other parents thought I had lost it for sure. It just occurred to me that this milestone would never be met by my Will. It just came over me like nothing I can describe and thank goodness AG was next to her dad. She did not see me, but I am sure she heard me. I am sure most of the families and the priest could here me. My family was so far away in the audience that they missed it all. I am grateful to GOD for that.
Today, I just never know when it is going to hit me. I am comforted to know that Mary Beth is with me. She has a long road to go. I have been far, but I still have that wound sitting there to open on a moments notice. I wonder if my husband has it too. I think about that often. Does he still have times when he is overwhelmed with grief like I do? Are there times when he just misses his boy so much that he just does not know if he can stand it any longer? I pray that he doesn't because I would not wish it upon anyone. I just ask everyone that reads this to say a special prayer for the Chapman family. They will continue to need our prayers for years to come. The tragedy will always be a part of them and the way GOD will get them through each day will be their testimony to others.

National Adoption Month

National Adoption Month. What does that mean? It means that some mom, some where decided that the world needs to know children need to be adopted. She wanted everyone to know about the option of adoption. Has this month made a difference in someone's life? Sure it has. Adoption agencies at one time always waived a percentage of fees this time of year. They promote adoption in every available agency, church, county fair, etc. Somebody looked, listened, and made a decision to change a child's life forever. There are people today that find it hard to believe we adopted. They just don't get it. Why would you do that? It costs so much money. The expense of taking care of a child you know has medical problems, it just seems crazy. My answer is I could not live without either of my children. Never has there ever been a day that I have thought about any of those things. Not once. I can not ever imagine my life without my children. I know the pain of not having my son here and I don't want to imagine being without my girls on this earth. I am working daily on convincing them to go to college locally and living in a garage apartment in the back yard. My children are a gift to me. I think people who don't get adoption don't read their Bible. There are so many references to orphans in the Bible. God expects us to take care of His children. These are His babies that are being abandoned. I watched the news this week and saw the horrors of Haiti once again. I would go there in a heartbeat and rescue as many babies as I could. I truly would. I am just overwhelmed at times by the misery that goes on there. They have survived an earthquake and now flooding from a hurricane. There are hundreds of islands in the Caribbean but this hurricane landed in Haiti. It is just sad to me. People are living in tents and now those are flooded. I am not aware of any changes in the adoption process for Haiti. I know that it is a tremendous burden on adopting families because the wait goes on forever. I think most agencies right now have a hold on their Haiti programs because of the chaos that continues there. Before the earthquake there were estimates that 350,000 orphans lived in Haiti. Today, I bet that number has doubled. Many people think International adoption is an atrocity itself. They believe children are stolen and sold for profit. Many people we know think we paid China for our daughter. Wrong, the most expenses we incurred for our China adoption were United States fees and Airline tickets. Our fees for China were really minimal. We paid a great deal to have our paperwork interpreted but those fees were paid here to Americans. China's government fees are really some of the cheapest and our donation to the orphanage was not that much either compared to other fees. Our money went straight to the orphanage. We paid it there to the orphanage. That money allows the orphanage to feed another child for another day. It would be no different than writing a check to FOOD FOR THE POOR or some other charity. China was a blessing to us. Our adoption experience was a gift. We were given a gift. I may not agree with all of China's political policies, but I will be forever grateful for the LOVE that they have given me and our family. I feel in my heart that every child deserves a family. Everyone of them. If you have any extra love in your heart, you should consider bringing an orphaned child into your home. I know so many adoptive families. We are all so blessed. I could talk about adoption all day long because I am now a member of this club. This club was created out of the love for a child. Not just any child but one that needs a mommy and a daddy. Children need parents to love them and care for them. Each time I think of the millions of children that have no one to love them I am overwhelmed. The LORD has great plans for these children. As an adoptive mom I feel that it is my job to share with every person I know about my experience. I may tell fifty people or five hundred and fifty people. If only one person of 550 decide to adopt, just think how that child's life will be changed forever. I will continue to share my story and I will continue to be an advocate for these babies that need mommas and daddies. I think about MA's friends that are home now. She has been with us for 4.5 years. It just does not seem that long and yet at times it seems like she has been her for always. Her friends started coming home before she left. Her best friend however, left a year or so later. A few weeks ago another little boy from her group came home. He is six. I can not imagine being without her all this time. I just cry thinking of her waiting so so long to be with her forever family. It just makes me cry deep in my heart. There are children waiting at 12, 13 years of age to be with a forever family. Their cry is loud because in China they will not come home to a forever family after age 13. In the orphanage system in China you age out of the adoption system at 14. You may stay in the orphanage, but you are no longer eligible for adoption after age 13. My friends little girl is 9. She will be 10 in February. She is beautiful and such a delight. Her friends in China are getting closer and closer to aging out. It just hurts my heart. China is not the only one to age out children. It happens all over the world, Russia, Romania, etc. Who are these young people going to be in a world where no one cares about them? Once again I leave you with this, "I am utterly and completely ruined."