Painfully Blessed

I spent the last few days visiting with my in-laws. I got to see nieces and the sister-in-laws along with my mother and father-in-law. I love spending time with them. I love to see my girls enjoy time with their cousins. We have a little family tradition of making Gingerbread houses while we are there. It is always so much fun for all of them. My thirteen year old niece still enjoys the stickiness of it all. Each trip we take there I take a book to read. I rarely have the opportunity to read a book so I take something that will keep my attention. About a month ago a friend let me borrow her copy of Mary Beth Chapman's new book. It has sat all over my house but I just could not bring myself to read it. A friend of mine told me a long time ago that she never saw the movie "RAIN MAN" because she lived it. Her son had autism. She just did not feel the need to see on the big screen what she lived everyday of her life with her grown son. I kind of looked at the book that way. "Do I really want to delve into that pain today?" "Am I mentally prepared to go there with Mary Beth?" It is hard to believe that we lost our son 9 years ago, but there are days when the wound is fresh. There are days that are extremely hard for me and I can't really explain it to anyone. I always find myself silent when someone starts up a birth conversation. Did you have a c-section?Were you in pain for a long time? Etc. Etc. I want to say I am still in pain. It is a pain that just hides in my heart and when people bring these things up it comes to the surface like a knife and cuts it in half. I want to scream at times I still hurt, it is still there, want to see the scars? Do you? I ache for that boy. I do ache for him. There are days that I wish he could be around to do all the boy things that my little MA wants to do. She loves frogs and lizards and all things gross, but she also desperately wants to be a girlie girl. She is a torn princess tomboy. A boy could help her out on those tomboy days.
So, I pushed that book around the house for a month. It always seem to be there though. Looking at me. Steven and Mary Beth on the cover. I took it this weekend. I thought how this would be a great weekend to read it. My mother-in-law is so great with the girls and my nieces love to spend time with them. I thought I may have time to at least read a few chapters. I could not put it down. I finished it over the course of the weekend. It was a real healing for me. Thank you Mary Beth. I know you would rather have little Maria back than a thank you from me, but I have to say thank you. I have never felt more connected to a person in my entire life. Her life experiences were not the same as mine, but her views of the way life is supposed to be reminded me of myself. I had a plan for myself and this is not the life I planned. The life I imagined for myself was much, much different, but my plan and GOD's plan did not match. At almost 40, it is time for me to realize that I can either go with the flow of His plan or I can continue to buck the system and still have to follow His plan. I am getting too old to buck the system. As I reflect on my life, I realize that I am happy. Life is good. Where else would I want to be right now? No where. I love my husband, my kids, and my friends. I am deeply in love with the LORD. I am closer to GOD today than I have ever been in my life. I know that my life depends on HIM. I have no reason to buck the system. He has given me so much and I am blessed daily.
I look at all the Chapman family has been through in such a very public way and I so feel for them. I get to keep my pain to myself most of the time. I don't wake up each day hurting for my boy. I call to him at times to protect his sisters for me. It now catches me off guard when the pain hits, but to have to deal with it so publicly I can not imagine. I remember last year when AG received her first communion. It was so exciting. We got the dress and the veil. We went and bought her pretty little white shoes. We sent out white invitations and I was so excited for her. What a huge milestone in our lives. We were sitting in front and we were the first family to go up. Mark and I were so happy and proud of her at that moment. We came around the pew and went back to the kneelers as each family went up. Then all of a sudden I just started crying in agony. It just overtook me and I could not recover. I just sobbed and sobbed. I am sure the other parents thought I had lost it for sure. It just occurred to me that this milestone would never be met by my Will. It just came over me like nothing I can describe and thank goodness AG was next to her dad. She did not see me, but I am sure she heard me. I am sure most of the families and the priest could here me. My family was so far away in the audience that they missed it all. I am grateful to GOD for that.
Today, I just never know when it is going to hit me. I am comforted to know that Mary Beth is with me. She has a long road to go. I have been far, but I still have that wound sitting there to open on a moments notice. I wonder if my husband has it too. I think about that often. Does he still have times when he is overwhelmed with grief like I do? Are there times when he just misses his boy so much that he just does not know if he can stand it any longer? I pray that he doesn't because I would not wish it upon anyone. I just ask everyone that reads this to say a special prayer for the Chapman family. They will continue to need our prayers for years to come. The tragedy will always be a part of them and the way GOD will get them through each day will be their testimony to others.