Hopelessly Ruined?

I have been reading a book by Kay Warren. It is called Dangerous Surrender. She discusses the moment she became completely surrendered to GOD. Like just give it all up to him. It started with reading a magazine article and ended up a life changing moment in her life. As I read the pages I wonder what my moment in this life is and what is it that has shaken me more than anything else. Was it the moment that I miscarried my child in a cold hospital room while praying the Hail Mary for three hours? Was it the moment that I looked up at Mark in an operating room and realized my son was dead? Was it the moment that I walked into an orphanage and realized that my child was one of hundreds that needed a mommy and daddy? Which one could it have been? They are all so life changing, but I still feel that I am the same. I sit in the same place almost ten years later and nothing shows for the pain, joy, and love that I have found in my hometown and across the world. I feel that I am at a crossroads in my life. I continue down this road or I actually do something that is truly life changing. Kay Warren takes the path of action. She takes up the plight of AIDS not only at home, but she travels to Africa and Asia. She looks at it and then she touches it. She takes her hand in the hand of the afflicted and suffering and she prays for them. Not in her living room still looking at the photo on the magazine, but in Africa and Asia. In the book she talks about how the suffering she has witnessed. Things that she has seen with the naked eye have ruined her. Her heart is now ruined to the point that she never ever forgets what she has seen with her naked eye. It is like a scar on her heart and she continues to battle for the suffering and the afflicted because she has seen them up close. She has touched it. As I think of this I think that is me. I can't erase the hundreds of orphans I saw that one day. They were all in the same room celebrating children's day of all things. As I looked across that room I thought how many will have a home to go to 20 maybe 30 at the most. As those 20 or 30 leave another 20 or 30 will take their place. Who will bring them home and how many of the 500 will call this home forever? It broke my heart in the same moment that I should have been filled with such joy of bringing my little girl home. It was like the day AG was born. Strange how your life collides the same way but differently. There I was looking at life and death at the same time. How is that possible to hold one alive and vibrant child in one hand and next to her one dead lifeless little boy. How does your heart know heartache and joy in the same instant? How does it take it all in and not just explode? It has happened to me twice. Why is that GOD? Why would I have such a split heart at these moments in my life not once but twice? What are you preparing me for? What does it all mean? How does it all play out? As I wait for GOD's plan for me I spend countless hours looking at pictures of orphans needing a home, yet I don't do anything. I sit and hope that someday I will be able to go back. I will be able to bring another orphaned child home. Mostly, I think of the boy I lost and the thousands of boys that are left at orphanages. They are lost. They are lost to a world of plenty. They are always the last to leave. They are the last to be chosen. Many do not even know they exist. China is known for its girls available for adoption, but most never consider the special needs boys who sit and wait for someone to bring them home. An entire generation of boys will soon age out of the system. That means they will be homeless in the very near future. What will happen to this group of young men? How will they survive? This is what haunts my heart and makes me long to bring a boy or two home. This is what breaks me and keeps me up night. I hurt for them in China and around the globe. Boys that have met this same plight live in the streets of Russia, India, many nations of Africa, Eastern Europe and Latin America. They are the forgotten. Teenage girls find themselves in the streets as well and their lives are just as painful. Child slavery, prostitution, and worse. Why does our society forget these children? We forget our own as well. There are thousands of teenagers on the available list here in the United States. Why? Why do they endure the foster care system for so long? Why have we as a country forsaken them? What would Jesus think of us? What does he see as he looks down upon us? What can I do? Scream in the night. Pray for them all. Sit and look at their sweet faces all hours of the night. What is it I am supposed to do? Help me LORD!