Painfully Blessed

I spent the last few days visiting with my in-laws. I got to see nieces and the sister-in-laws along with my mother and father-in-law. I love spending time with them. I love to see my girls enjoy time with their cousins. We have a little family tradition of making Gingerbread houses while we are there. It is always so much fun for all of them. My thirteen year old niece still enjoys the stickiness of it all. Each trip we take there I take a book to read. I rarely have the opportunity to read a book so I take something that will keep my attention. About a month ago a friend let me borrow her copy of Mary Beth Chapman's new book. It has sat all over my house but I just could not bring myself to read it. A friend of mine told me a long time ago that she never saw the movie "RAIN MAN" because she lived it. Her son had autism. She just did not feel the need to see on the big screen what she lived everyday of her life with her grown son. I kind of looked at the book that way. "Do I really want to delve into that pain today?" "Am I mentally prepared to go there with Mary Beth?" It is hard to believe that we lost our son 9 years ago, but there are days when the wound is fresh. There are days that are extremely hard for me and I can't really explain it to anyone. I always find myself silent when someone starts up a birth conversation. Did you have a c-section?Were you in pain for a long time? Etc. Etc. I want to say I am still in pain. It is a pain that just hides in my heart and when people bring these things up it comes to the surface like a knife and cuts it in half. I want to scream at times I still hurt, it is still there, want to see the scars? Do you? I ache for that boy. I do ache for him. There are days that I wish he could be around to do all the boy things that my little MA wants to do. She loves frogs and lizards and all things gross, but she also desperately wants to be a girlie girl. She is a torn princess tomboy. A boy could help her out on those tomboy days.
So, I pushed that book around the house for a month. It always seem to be there though. Looking at me. Steven and Mary Beth on the cover. I took it this weekend. I thought how this would be a great weekend to read it. My mother-in-law is so great with the girls and my nieces love to spend time with them. I thought I may have time to at least read a few chapters. I could not put it down. I finished it over the course of the weekend. It was a real healing for me. Thank you Mary Beth. I know you would rather have little Maria back than a thank you from me, but I have to say thank you. I have never felt more connected to a person in my entire life. Her life experiences were not the same as mine, but her views of the way life is supposed to be reminded me of myself. I had a plan for myself and this is not the life I planned. The life I imagined for myself was much, much different, but my plan and GOD's plan did not match. At almost 40, it is time for me to realize that I can either go with the flow of His plan or I can continue to buck the system and still have to follow His plan. I am getting too old to buck the system. As I reflect on my life, I realize that I am happy. Life is good. Where else would I want to be right now? No where. I love my husband, my kids, and my friends. I am deeply in love with the LORD. I am closer to GOD today than I have ever been in my life. I know that my life depends on HIM. I have no reason to buck the system. He has given me so much and I am blessed daily.
I look at all the Chapman family has been through in such a very public way and I so feel for them. I get to keep my pain to myself most of the time. I don't wake up each day hurting for my boy. I call to him at times to protect his sisters for me. It now catches me off guard when the pain hits, but to have to deal with it so publicly I can not imagine. I remember last year when AG received her first communion. It was so exciting. We got the dress and the veil. We went and bought her pretty little white shoes. We sent out white invitations and I was so excited for her. What a huge milestone in our lives. We were sitting in front and we were the first family to go up. Mark and I were so happy and proud of her at that moment. We came around the pew and went back to the kneelers as each family went up. Then all of a sudden I just started crying in agony. It just overtook me and I could not recover. I just sobbed and sobbed. I am sure the other parents thought I had lost it for sure. It just occurred to me that this milestone would never be met by my Will. It just came over me like nothing I can describe and thank goodness AG was next to her dad. She did not see me, but I am sure she heard me. I am sure most of the families and the priest could here me. My family was so far away in the audience that they missed it all. I am grateful to GOD for that.
Today, I just never know when it is going to hit me. I am comforted to know that Mary Beth is with me. She has a long road to go. I have been far, but I still have that wound sitting there to open on a moments notice. I wonder if my husband has it too. I think about that often. Does he still have times when he is overwhelmed with grief like I do? Are there times when he just misses his boy so much that he just does not know if he can stand it any longer? I pray that he doesn't because I would not wish it upon anyone. I just ask everyone that reads this to say a special prayer for the Chapman family. They will continue to need our prayers for years to come. The tragedy will always be a part of them and the way GOD will get them through each day will be their testimony to others.

National Adoption Month

National Adoption Month. What does that mean? It means that some mom, some where decided that the world needs to know children need to be adopted. She wanted everyone to know about the option of adoption. Has this month made a difference in someone's life? Sure it has. Adoption agencies at one time always waived a percentage of fees this time of year. They promote adoption in every available agency, church, county fair, etc. Somebody looked, listened, and made a decision to change a child's life forever. There are people today that find it hard to believe we adopted. They just don't get it. Why would you do that? It costs so much money. The expense of taking care of a child you know has medical problems, it just seems crazy. My answer is I could not live without either of my children. Never has there ever been a day that I have thought about any of those things. Not once. I can not ever imagine my life without my children. I know the pain of not having my son here and I don't want to imagine being without my girls on this earth. I am working daily on convincing them to go to college locally and living in a garage apartment in the back yard. My children are a gift to me. I think people who don't get adoption don't read their Bible. There are so many references to orphans in the Bible. God expects us to take care of His children. These are His babies that are being abandoned. I watched the news this week and saw the horrors of Haiti once again. I would go there in a heartbeat and rescue as many babies as I could. I truly would. I am just overwhelmed at times by the misery that goes on there. They have survived an earthquake and now flooding from a hurricane. There are hundreds of islands in the Caribbean but this hurricane landed in Haiti. It is just sad to me. People are living in tents and now those are flooded. I am not aware of any changes in the adoption process for Haiti. I know that it is a tremendous burden on adopting families because the wait goes on forever. I think most agencies right now have a hold on their Haiti programs because of the chaos that continues there. Before the earthquake there were estimates that 350,000 orphans lived in Haiti. Today, I bet that number has doubled. Many people think International adoption is an atrocity itself. They believe children are stolen and sold for profit. Many people we know think we paid China for our daughter. Wrong, the most expenses we incurred for our China adoption were United States fees and Airline tickets. Our fees for China were really minimal. We paid a great deal to have our paperwork interpreted but those fees were paid here to Americans. China's government fees are really some of the cheapest and our donation to the orphanage was not that much either compared to other fees. Our money went straight to the orphanage. We paid it there to the orphanage. That money allows the orphanage to feed another child for another day. It would be no different than writing a check to FOOD FOR THE POOR or some other charity. China was a blessing to us. Our adoption experience was a gift. We were given a gift. I may not agree with all of China's political policies, but I will be forever grateful for the LOVE that they have given me and our family. I feel in my heart that every child deserves a family. Everyone of them. If you have any extra love in your heart, you should consider bringing an orphaned child into your home. I know so many adoptive families. We are all so blessed. I could talk about adoption all day long because I am now a member of this club. This club was created out of the love for a child. Not just any child but one that needs a mommy and a daddy. Children need parents to love them and care for them. Each time I think of the millions of children that have no one to love them I am overwhelmed. The LORD has great plans for these children. As an adoptive mom I feel that it is my job to share with every person I know about my experience. I may tell fifty people or five hundred and fifty people. If only one person of 550 decide to adopt, just think how that child's life will be changed forever. I will continue to share my story and I will continue to be an advocate for these babies that need mommas and daddies. I think about MA's friends that are home now. She has been with us for 4.5 years. It just does not seem that long and yet at times it seems like she has been her for always. Her friends started coming home before she left. Her best friend however, left a year or so later. A few weeks ago another little boy from her group came home. He is six. I can not imagine being without her all this time. I just cry thinking of her waiting so so long to be with her forever family. It just makes me cry deep in my heart. There are children waiting at 12, 13 years of age to be with a forever family. Their cry is loud because in China they will not come home to a forever family after age 13. In the orphanage system in China you age out of the adoption system at 14. You may stay in the orphanage, but you are no longer eligible for adoption after age 13. My friends little girl is 9. She will be 10 in February. She is beautiful and such a delight. Her friends in China are getting closer and closer to aging out. It just hurts my heart. China is not the only one to age out children. It happens all over the world, Russia, Romania, etc. Who are these young people going to be in a world where no one cares about them? Once again I leave you with this, "I am utterly and completely ruined."

Humble Yourself Before the LORD!

I have spent the last few weeks preparing for an art show at the school where I work. I spent countless hours in front of the computer coming up with projects for the kids to do and a number countless hours trying to figure out how the process would go. No telling how many hours I spent worrying about how the projects would look and how the parents would feel about the students work. I spent a lot of time stressing over something that only GOD had real control over. I am one of those people that always wants to please everyone. I wanted to please the parents and the administrators as well as anyone else that might have been involved. I really forgot about GOD and what he would think of my efforts. I had to take a few steps back a few hours before the event. I had to let GOD have control. I thought about all of the hard work the kids had done. I was proud of them. They worked incredibly hard on their art work and you could see it in their work. Each and every child showed pride in what they had done. There was nothing that I could have done that would have made the kids so motivated that it showed in their work. Only GOD had that power. He had control the entire time. Every time I needed something for the projects GOD provided it. After the fact, I realized He was with us the whole time. He was in that room helping each child and pushing them on. When I looked at all of those projects scattered throughout our school and all of the truly wonderful parents that had donated items for projects and donated time to help in the class, I realized how truly blessed I am. I was humbled by all of it. I am grateful for this job that GOD has blessed me with. After the art show, many parents and teachers told me what a wonderful job I did and I had to let them know that the kids really did all of the work. I presented the steps to them and they did it. I had no complaints and not one child refused to do the assignment. I had a few procrastinators but they came to me and got the work done during study hall time. I was just amazed by it all. I still am. I think in times of stress we do need to humble ourselves and go before the LORD. We need to get on our knees and say, "What is it LORD that you want me to do? What purpose do you have for me?" Many times I ask the LORD, "Why did you choose me for this or for that?" He always shows me in time. In time the LORD lets me know why I am where I am. I watched Pastor Brian Houston from Hillsong Church recently on television. He was preaching on WHO WE ARE CALLED TO BE. I liked the idea that GOD has called each of us to serve a purpose while we are here. Not only are we called to serve a purpose, but we are called to serve His purpose. He has the plan and we are to follow no matter where it leads us. Many times we leave that path, but Pastor Brian said that GOD will humble you back to your path. Some times it may take a while and at times he is quick to put you back on your path. 1 Corinthians 10:31 "So whatever you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do everything for the glory of GOD." I always want to be in GOD's will for me. In the past few years, I have realized that if GOD wants me to be a mom and wife then I need to do it to the best of my ability. When GOD blessed me with this job, I realized that I have to live up to His expectations. I must do my job to the best of my ability. I will do that. I am not always the best mom, but most days I do my job to please GOD. I want Him to be proud of me. I am not trying to win my way to heaven, I am just trying to put a smile on His face. Blessings to All!

Birthdays

Every year I think where has the time gone. The girlies in our family all have close birthdays. AG will have hers in just a few days. MA and I have 20 plus days to go. I hate to see my babies grow up. They are getting so mature. Each day I pray for silliness. I want two silly girls forever. I don't want teenagers, at least not yet. I have so many plans for them and me sometimes I forget to just take it all in and enjoy them now. I still let them sleep with me when Dad is at work just because I know some day they will not ask to. That will be a sad day for me. I remember more than a couple of years ago we went to the pediatrician because our girls were sick. He told us that he had been sick and his daughter had been sick also. He said even at fifteen she wanted him to lay next to her because she felt so bad. He said I did and I was sick two days later. Stomach bug can jump. I thought about that a lot that day. About how quickly my girls were growing up and what life would be like for us then. I thought about Mark checking out the boys, threatening them, giving them the evil eye when they came to our door. I hope that we still have a close relationship. My girls mean everything to me and the thoughts of them getting older saddens me, but it also excites me. They are just becoming such wonderful young ladies and I can't wait to see how great they become. I pray each day that they continue their spiritual walk with the LORD and that they both choose careers that they are happy doing. All I want for them in this life is for them to be happy with the choices they make in life. I am pretty happy with choices I have made. I may not have always made good ones, but God always let the bad ones lead me to great people like my husband. I am blessed to have him and my girls. I love my church family and my friends from school. I have met some incredible people on this life journey and I am sure I will meet many more. GOD always brings wonderful people into my life and I am blessed each day because of it. Happy Birthday July and August birthday buddies.

Daddy Movie Date

My kids have a summer tradition. Each summer we travel to our local Chik restaurant and pick up a schedule of the free summer kids movies at the local theater. This is an annual event and we know summer is coming when we see that schedule on the restaurant counter. My girls look through the numerous movies and plan with their dad which ones they want to see. I then have to inform them which ones we can't go to because we have plans that week. The girls love to go to the movies with their dad and I am thrilled that he takes them. They normally go to one or two together and then at least once in the summer he will take them on a daddy/daughter date separately. They love it and most of the time he will take them out to lunch after the movie. Very cool for them. This year the movies were great pics and dad let the girls pick their daddy/daughter movie out. MA has her date coming up and the movie she picked HOTEL FOR DOGS. Has anyone seen this movie? It is cute and there are lots of dogs, but for a child that is adopted it is truly insane. Millions of questions stir for my child and you ask why let her watch it? She is completely obsessed with this movie. It is one of two that she currently watches over and over again. She saw this movie last year with her cousins and so dad bought it for her as a gift. Producers of this movie and STUART LITTLE really do not consider the consequences of their cutesy little movies. They don't get that children that are adopted might watch them. In both movies the parents are killed and that is how the child/children become an orphan. That leaves you open with a lot of questions. In Stuart the adoptive family does not find out that the birth parents died until late in the movie, so mid movie they give their adopted child to total strangers whom they believe is the child(mouse)'s mother. Okay, can you help a mother of an adopted child out here? What were you thinking when you produced that scene? An adoptive mother just gives her child to total strangers without fighting for her child or even checking to see who these people are? Mouse or not if a chic came to my door wanting MA back it would be over my dead body. In no uncertain terms I have tried to explain this to my child each and every time she watches this movie. I let her know that this is a made up movie and real moms would never, ever do that. She thinks it is because he is a mouse. If he had been a boy they would have never done that. I normally agree with her and then give her more evidence that this would never happen in real life. I think she takes it all with a grain of salt because she watches the movie at least once a week. I do like the fact that it gives us the opportunity to discuss adoption and why we adopted her and how glad we are we did. I also discuss the other movie with her, but mainly we talk about why we don't lie, cheat, or steal. HOTEL is a great movie to use to teach a lot of the ten commandments. It covers more than a few. I should bring up the fact that if these kids were in church and prayed to Jesus they would probably behave better. I will use that one after she goes to the movie with her dad. I know the next question everyone wants to know is why I do not like to take my kids to the movies. I don't like theaters. Why? They are gross and if you turned a black light on in any theater it would explode within seconds. The germs there has to be beyond anything we can comprehend. I have had a little phobia about theaters since the first time my foot got stuck walking down the aisle when I was about six. EWWW!
No where around the entire world would anyone purposely go into a dark room with that many germs and eat food. Only in a theater do we find this appropriate. If it was daylight, and you walked into someone's home and their floor looked like a movie theater floor and their dinning room furniture looked like any chair located in a theater, you would not eat their food. You probably would not eat for the rest of the day just thinking about it. Yet we do this and pay big bucks for it. EWWW! I am spoiled when it comes to movie theaters. Many moons ago, before we were married, my husband took me to a little place called Cinema and Draft House. Let me give you a little glimpse into clean movie watching. This is the only way to watch a movie outside of your own home. You walk up to the ticket counter and there is a big list of rules. The first being no kids after nine, the remaining five or six explaining why you could be kicked out. You pay a very small fee to go inside and watch your movie. Once inside you go into the theater and sit at your table. You heard that correctly, TABLE! A nice clean disinfected table. A nice waitress would come up and she would wipe it down one more time and give you a clean menu. She would take your drink order which included coke, tea, beer and wine. She would return with your drink and take your food order. Yes, food order. The food was supreme. She would return about 15 minutes into the movie with your plate of food and condiments. People this is the only way to watch a movie. About 25 minutes before the movie was over she would clear the table and silently offer you dessert. At the end of the movie the lights came on and you paid your bill. Take this into perspective-- any place that serves food has a food inspector. The place was clean as a whistle top to bottom. My foot never got stuck to the floor I can assure you. It was an awesome place and I miss it. For years I had hoped that it would catch on on the southside, but it has not happened yet. Although alcohol was served, nobody ever got out of hand because it was a movie theater. You can't watch a movie when somebody is loud and acting like a nut. I preferred this place over Applebee's or Ruby Tuesday any day of the week because drunk people can be obnoxious there. When we were dating it was one of our favorite places to go out. Now you all understand that my husband spoiled me and I just have a hard time going to the grungy, dark, sticky movie and paying big bucks to do it. For the price of a popcorn and drink down the street, I could have eaten a whole meal and dessert at Cinema and Draft House. Good times. I do however, take my girls if daddy just can't, but he takes them most of the time. Especially, daddy/daughter movie date day.

THIS IS WHAT I THINK ABOUT..

As I sat at a doctors appointment on Monday with MA, a family came in. There were two little boys and the mother was extremely pregnant. She had dad with her because she could barely handle one toddler. I felt for her cause you know girlfriend was feeling the heat. Pregnant in July, not fun! As we sat the little one was truly a handful and he was running circles around her. She finally had DAD take care of wild man and she took on the mild child. I laugh to myself. I remember those days. AG just sitting at all of MAs doctor appointments watching her climb up the walls and anything else like a monkey and me running around like a monkey trainer trying to contain her. As I think back about it its comical. We spent about an hour and a half with this particular family because they basically take you from one room to wait to another room to wait until you finally see a doctor and have your tests run and leave. As we sat in the second waiting room with the same family and the little wild man continued to come and visit us, I really thought to myself. "What would it be like to be able to just have a baby? How many kids would I have today? If I could just get pregnant like that one right after the other? What would the number be? three, four, five, six? If it was that easy for us where would we have decided this is it?" Today, I don't feel that 19 would be the number. GOD BLESS THAT DUGGAR WOMAN. I do feel that two would not be it. If I got to choose how many babies I had, I know we would have more. Mark always asks me if you had a million dollars what would you do? If somebody gave you 50,000 dollars what would you spend it on? If somebody gave you 20,000 dollars how would you spend it? I always say the same exact thing, "Start another adoption." Every time. I think he always expects something different, but he always gets the same answer. It is funny and I don't know why he thinks it will be different. I know families that have just continued to follow GOD's call to adopt. Some have adopted up to 10 kids. There was a precious little girl that we just fell in love with in China at MA's orphanage. I so prayed for her. She was older and just beautiful. She came home two weeks ago at the age of 9 to a family of ten all of the children are adopted from CHINA. Wow! I am not that brave I don't think. Our house would get small very quickly. Do I feel cheated? At times. Am I envious of others who can think pregnant and nine months later have a baby? At times. Most of the time I am thankful for the wonderful kids GOD has truly blessed us with. When I say blessings, they are truly blessings. I would not give up my mild child and my curious George child for anything. Nor would I give up the processes that we went through to have both of them. They are just amazing. MA calls me her lovely mother when she is feeling especially loving. I thank the LORD for her each time she does that. She just makes me smile everyday. I would not give up her shenanigans for anything in this world. We absolutely were a boring family until she showed up. We were predictable and just simply boring. AG is an amazing child too, but her personality has just excelled under the management of her little sister. She is more brave today than she ever would have been. MA is pushy and she pushes her older sister to live outside of her comfort zone. She also pushes me. I am thankful and grateful for both of them daily. I think about all of this and wonder what adding one more would do to our dynamics as a family. I can not imagine how things would change. I am not even sure if I could handle it, but I would be willing to try. Kids are just a gift and when you consider so many are out there unwanted living in foster care and orphanages it just makes me sad. I could be somebody's mommy that needs me. I do deal with this daily and it can be difficult at times, but I still look at there precious little faces and pray that somebody will call them son or daughter soon. I was of course scanning one of my favorite waiting child lists the other day and this little guy just happened to be there. He is just the cutest. But what made me stop is that he looks like one of us. Like one of us as in our family. He has on a t-shirt and shorts and these croc like Chinese shoes. He could be Mark. That is Mark's summer uniform. Goofy shirt, jean/khaki shorts, and crocs. The Mark costume for six months out of the year when he is not at work. You know it is hard for some people to imagine an adoptive child in there family and I have to admit that there are some special needs that I know I just could not do. This little fella just looked like us and I have to say that is rare. It definitely made me look twice and now more than three times. I have looked at hundreds of children in the past five years and this is the first time I have seen a boy that I could say, you know he could be one of us. He would just fit right in. He just has something about him. I don't know. Babies are different. I could adopt any baby and at some point he/she would just become one of us. This guy is not a baby, he is just a boy who needs a mom and dad. It was not a thing that made me cry or anything like that. I saw him just standing there on the gym set and laughed out loud, "He looks like Mark." I showed his picture to AG and she said the same thing- "He is dressed just like Dad." I showed him to Mark days later and he was like, he's cute but I don't get the me part. REALLY? He could have just looked in the mirror. He even had on the same color shirt at the time. I know there are parents out there for the little fella and I hope they appreciate his little goofy Mark outfit picture as much as we did. They are going to be so lucky to get him. I appreciate him and he is not even mine. Life is crazy. I would do anything to have another child and there are people out there who want to get rid of the kids they have. My mom and I were recently at a local dollar store and this nut in front of her in line had three beautiful kids. They were running around like little bored kids do and this guy(who happened to be drunk) offered to give his kids away to my mother. She told the guy she would be blessed to have them and this guy proceeds to tell his little kids that he is going to give them away to my mother. They all run and hide behind their mother. It was nuts. I think my mom was about to cry. At times I just don't understand people and at other times I know this is all part of GOD's plan. You know loosing a child truly makes you grateful for the children you have and it makes you grateful for all the children born on this earth. Good, Bad or just plain rotten all children are a gift from GOD. When I taught at the alternative school, I always kept that in mind. Every student I taught was somebody's baby. I really would work hard to connect with students especially those that did not have very supportive or encouraging parents. I just wanted them to know that somebody in this world was proud of them for going to school and trying to be somebody. I always made a conscious effort to do that. I also keep that in mind when my own two are driving me a little nutty. I yell at times and I regret it. I apologize. I fuss and let them know why I fuss, but at the end of each day I love them even more than I did the day before. GOD blesses me each day that I am with them and at times I mourn over the day they will leave this little nest for a little nest of their own. Although, MA says she is not leaving this house ever, never and that I will live with her and keep her kids. I am not sure what her plans are for her dad, but I know I am the live in grandma babysitter. I am so looking forward to it. I tell her each time she says that I will be glad to keep her babies. She told me just the other day that she will have calm kids to help me out. I asked where these kids were coming from and she informed me CHINA. I informed her that you never know if a kid is going to be calm or not you just have to love what you get. She said, "like me, I was a wild one." I said, "and the best thing that ever happened to this family."

I end with this:

Father to the fatherless, defender of widows — this is God, whose dwelling is holy. God places the lonely in families.

Psalms 68:5-6

And anyone who welcomes a little child like this on my behalf is welcoming me.

Matthew 18:5

FATHER'S DAY

Father's Day at our house is always a wonderful day. The girls get very excited about what they want to get their dad. This year MA made her dad cards for a week. She also made a shirt that says "I Love Daddy". AED Made a shirt that says, "my #1 Dad" They wore their shirts all day on Father's Day so everyone knew they loved their dad. Our favorite movie as a couple right now is FIREPROOF. We actually watched it separately right before Father's Day. AED knows that her dad loved this movie so she bought him the book, LOVE DARE. She had no idea what the book was about, but she bought it anyway. I smiled and let her buy it. She always seems to know what she is doing. We spent the entire day hanging out with Daddy and then we had dinner with my Dad. Mark called his dad on the phone letting him know we would be up to see him in two weeks. When I think of Father's Day, I also think of our heavenly Father. I think about how important He is in my life and how grateful I am to Him that He gave me such a loving father and such a wonderful husband. I think about my husband and all that ever comes to mind is HERO! All firemen are considered heroes, but my fireman is really a hero! He has saved many lives and witnessed others parish. He has stayed right there for those at deaths door and even with that he continues to do his job. He does it with honor and dignity. He has never cared if someone was rich or poor, he always treats people with dignity. I have witnessed his heroic efforts a couple of times and I am always proud and amazed. He is a wonderful man and I am very lucky. When I was single, I prayed for GOD to send me a good man, but instead he sent me a GREAT MAN! He is a loving father that has taken many journeys with me to be a father. We have gone through infertility which is a very humbling process for any couple, but he did it. He has gone through adoption which is also a strenuous and invasive process. He just does it all with heroic strength. I love him and my girls adore him. Thank you LORD for blessing us with a wonderful DADDY!

Miracles

One of my new favorite songs, WHAT FAITH CAN DO by KUTLESS. Listen to it if you have not or just read the lyrics on-line. I cry just about every time. The just of the song is that GOD can do miracles but we must have faith. Faith is powerful. Many people I know do not believe in miracles. They believe in GOD, they have faith in GOD, but miracles do not happen in this day and time. They do not see them and GOD does not perform them. REALLY? If that is true, what is faith and why do we have it? I have seen them. I have seen miracles. I am not a nut, but a person who has witnessed miracles. Why can GOD not perform miracles today? Is that scripture? NOOOO! I have real stories to tell. REAL! I am going to share because I just want it on paper or cyberspace just in case nobody else knows about it and they need a belief in miracles boost. Here it goes. My precious AG was a miracle. She was conceived in a fertility lab in Atlanta with her twin brother. If you have not had experience with infertility then you won't really get this, but every child conceived in a fertility clinic is a miracle performed by GOD. Every child conceived period is a miracle performed by GOD if you look at the odds stacked against you for conceiving. Infertility is insane odds. Just the exhaustion should kill all hopes of conceiving, but it happens daily for one couple out of thousands. Not good odds. I never realized how lucky we were until my mother went with me to the clinic and relayed a story to me. She met a lady that had gone through the entire process ten plus times with no child conceived. Ten times and yet there she was once again on number eleven still faithful, still hoping. I wish I could run into her somewhere and see how it went or give her some details about adoption. She was a gift to my mom and me. She made us realize how extremely hard the process can be and how grateful I was that this was just my second time going through. Three months earlier, I had miscarried and still carried my scars on my sleeve. More like a backpack. I toted them around during the entire second run until the day my pregnancy test came back positive at the doctor's office. I left the backpack with the nurses along with the test. See that was my first real miracle ever. I got to carry two beautiful babies for nine long months. Second miracle. I was told at 20 weeks that my boy had a serious heart condition. Most of the doctors we dealt with told us it was serious but it could be corrected. Two told us it could be fatal. We prayed for our boy month after month. We watched his ekg and with each heart beat we had a sigh of relief. We looked at each sonogram while thinking GOD is so good to bless us this way and we know he will heal our boy. Each prayer we would always say, "Let it be your will." Did we believe this? Was our faith that strong? No. Late in my pregnancy I quit saying that when I prayed. I did not want GOD's will. I wanted my boy to be healed. I wanted a boy with a whole heart and his sister next to him to be healthy as well. I did not know GOD's will, but I wanted my WILL. That was his name. I wanted my WILL to be healthy. The closer we got to due date the more I insisted with my prayers that he was going to be fine. I took all of the doctor's comments and decided the vote was in my WILL is going to be fine. Two days before my c-section nobody was moving. I went to a pre-op appointment, told the nurse that nobody was moving and she insisted they are out of room very typical for twins. They simply run out of room. I felt very uncomfortable the next 15 hours. Something was not right. I had Princess and the Pea syndrome but what was not right happen to be in my womb. I prayed that night and the next morning. When I woke up, I looked scarry. I can not explain to anyone what my stomach looked like. Reality, one baby was on top of the other. Imagine what that stomach looked like now. The true reality would come later. We checked in at the hospital after my husband ate a chik-fil-a biscuit in front of a pregnant woman carrying twins that had not eaten since midnight. (BAD IDEA for husbands at home reading this.) Anyway, we got to the hospital and they were short on nurses. We waited 40 minutes on a nurse and the doctors were having a real hard time getting both heart beats. They decided to take me back and the nurse supervisor filled in for the MIA nurse. So, me, two nurses, my husband, two gyns, a neonatal doctor, and one extremely gifted anesthesiologist are in the OR. Baby number one comes out screaming at the top of her lungs. Wait, what. Girl is baby number 2, Boy is baby number 1. Always. Not this time. Something was not right. I just felt it all the way to my bones. Then, I could see it on faces. I could hear yelling, but I was not quite right. I felt dizzy and light-headed, but I knew something was really wrong. Then my screaming girl was rushed out of the room and then there was more yelling by a rude doctor that in other circumstances I would have recommended someone hit. Then, I was in panic mode and then I was very light-headed and dizzy. Then Mark told me WILL was gone. I hurt from the inside out and I lost it. Exposed. Cut open. Cut through the heart. How could such a wonderful day turn into such a nightmare? How? Why? I think I said Why like 80 times before the anesthesiologist pumped me full of light-headed and dizzy medicine. I felt like I was in a fog for the next two days. Reality was heart wrenching and at times delightful as I looked upon the face of my beautiful baby girl. I tried so heard to deal with my delight and not deal with my broken heart those three days in the hospital. It was strange. I don't wish it upon anyone. Hormones are on overload and add in a tragedy you have a crazy woman on your hands. Two hours after the announcement of the death of my son. I demanded that our wonderful priest give my boy last rites. The whole time he is saying you don't have to do this. He is a baby, you don't have to do this. The mother in me is insisting, HE HAS NOT BEEN BAPTIZED. GOD gives priests and pastors patience. I think after my second or third crazed request he just did it. Reasoning with a hormonal woman on an emotional overload was I think more than anyone could handle. I gave my husband the job of planning an entire funeral without me. I think I picked some songs, priest, and location. Mark and my dad did the rest. Two men. It was the most beautiful funeral you could ever witness. My family and friends were just weird. What do you say? Congratulations on your new baby and I am so sorry your baby died. It was weird. They came in crying and left crying. AG was covered in tears and they were not happy tears. They would look at her, talk about how beautiful she was and you could see them crying. I have to say that every person that came to that hospital deserves the best friends and family in the world award. I can not imagine what was going through their minds. I am not in the least bit hurt or upset by those that did not show. I don't know what I would have done either. They love you, they want to be there for you , but they don't know how to love you. They want to see the new baby, but they don't know if they can handle the crazy woman next to the new baby. I think I was mostly calm for the first two days and then I had a little melt down. My sister cleared the seen and let me have my moment. She is the greatest. She stayed with me for a week or so after the funeral so I could sleep. She rocks. So crazy mom makes it through the funeral. We insisted on a closed casket and we never looked at WILL again after the hospital. It was what we decided. Do I regret it? Not really. At the funeral I wanted to see him one last time before they put him in the ground and I just could not say it out loud. I just left. A week later I insisted that my poor patient priest baptized my baby girl before the end of the month. I was so worried that something else could happen and I wanted it done. He did it. WHERE IS THE MIRACLE IN ALL OF THIS? Get ready for this. I carried a miracle in my womb. Prepare people. This is a glimpse into the power of our GOD. At the hospital I barked orders and made requests on a whim. I was just in fog city. The head nurse that had been in the OR with us brought a bereavement counselor to see us. She asked us all kinds of questions. She cleaned WILL up for us and brought him to us in the recovery room. She came and got clothes for him to wear. She also brought us a consent form to have an autopsy done. Why would we do that? It just seemed like a good idea at the time. We knew he had a heart condition, but we just said yes. About a month after AGs birth we got a big thick envelope in the mail. It was the autopsy report. I opened it and realized what it was and cried. Later I read it. Okay this is miracle time. Our boy had a heart condition. With this heart condition he could not pump blood to the lungs to get the oxygen he needed to live. In the womb this is done by the mother. All babies in the womb have a little open valve in the heart that allows the mother to do this job for the baby. Boy baby's who have this heart condition usually die when they are circumcised because this is the point when they take their first deep breathe. In our situation, the goal was to give WILL a drug that would keep the valve open allowing machines to do my work until a repair could be done three days after he was born. MIRACLE time. WILL did not have this valve. The autopsy report states that the valve could not be found. His condition was extremely severe and his heart was so malformed that the valve was not even recognizable or nonexistent. He should have died early on. Way early on. First trimester or Early second trimester. He lived for his sister. If he had died any earlier, many complications could have occurred and we could have lost them both. GOD gave me a miracle. I got to carry it in my womb people. It is not anything other than a real live true to GOD's word miracle. I got to touch it. LIVE it. Why? I don't know why? Why did GOD choose me for this miracle? I have no idea. I do know that he answered my prayer also. He healed my boy. He is in Heaven and watches over his sisters daily. He also makes me thankful for them each day especially when I am not in the thankful mood. I miss him and I dream of someday bringing a boy home not to replace him, but to know him even more. I have this vision of him as a baby, but I would love to know what my boy would be like now day-to-day. I think having a boy would make me love him even more. I think it is hard to explain without it sounding weird, but that is what I think. Every time MA does some really boy thing like chase a frog I think of my boy. I think of how he would be chasing it with her. Every time MA spends time with her daddy discussing fire trucks, sirens, etc I think of WILL. I know he is up there looking down just having a good old time. MA is not a boy in so many ways, but sometimes I see a little bit of my boy there. Everyone says boys love their mommas I so want to experience that. I do know that he loved me because he knew how much I loved his sister and he kept his little broken heart pumping as long as he could. He and GOD had a plan and he worked very hard to keep his sister alive. I love him so much for that. Mark and I don't talk much about him anymore. Mark visits his grave on holidays, but mostly I don't. He still does not have tombstone. We ordered two and started to order a third one and we just gave up. You can only go through that so many times. Plus it was my last motherly duty for him and I still have it there. Once the tombstone is there all of the important stuff is over. At first I was embarrassed that we did not a have tombstone by his fifth birthday, but now I am good with it. I just don't go down there because it is too hard for me to go with the girls. MA has a million questions and they are very painful for me. They are painful for her too. Many times out of the blue she will say, I miss my baby brother. She was born three years after him, but in her mind since he died as a baby he is her baby "brudder". I would love to live in that brain of hers for one day. I really would. She brings me hope, peace, and faith each day. She is a miracle herself and I guess it takes one to know one. Her sister, the fertility baby, a miracle. WILL, a heart baby with missing heart parts, miracle. MA found in a box by a guard shack thin and sickly, in need of food, miracle. My kids have survival skills. They have been given that gift by GOD. All three of them had to use that gift in their very early stages of life. I am blessed to have been given the opportunity by GOD to know them. I am not sad about what GOD has given me, I am BLESSED. A child born to Heaven, a child born in my womb, and a child born in my heart. Why GOD chose Mark and I to be responsible for such blessings is beyond me? Mark and I are just ordinary middle class people struggling to make it through, but GOD gave us so much more. Most days are ordinary, but some days I am just amazed that he chose us to have such wonderful kids. I don't know at times what I did to deserve them. I am just glad that when GOD created them He thought of Mark and I. We will never be millionaires, but we are rich in so many ways. Sometimes I forget this, but most days I remember how miraculous GOD is.

The Day after Mother's Day

As I ponder this Mother's Day and how lucky I am to be mom to two great girls, I also think what did I do to deserve such wonderful girls. Each gift I opened made me love them more. AG gave me this wonderful card about why she is glad that I am her mother. It just made me cry. I cried reading it and I will cry today when I read it again. She mentions line by line how I help her and what I do for her. She wrote in her own little crooked cursive handwriting and I just think a short time ago I held that little hand in mine to help her walk. Today, my sweet little girl is writing in cursive. As I gazed upon the paper jewelry box and the hand made picture card of my youngest, I remember the first time I saw her. I just remember thinking how beautiful she is and why has no one taken her file. She would have been my first choice, but fortunately for us she was still there in a computer file waiting. China brings many happy memories, but also sad ones. I remember the first video we got from another family of our MA. I thought how beautiful she was sitting in her crib. Then I remember how she was screaming and everyone in the room could hear her. She had her hands up basically begging the mother with the video camera to pick her up. She wanted someone to notice her and pick her up. Finally, the mother with the video camera could not take it anymore. She had to pick her up. She put down the camera and grabbed her. She told me later that she kissed her for me. She hated leaving her there. She knew we were at home waiting to go get her. It is disturbing to think that you have to leave these children. I did the same thing when I went to China. We call it paying it forward. I took photos of all the children on my list that moms sent me. I remember touching several of the kids and thinking your mom will be here soon. Later, I thought what about the ones that have no mom. I went to a room with twenty little girls in it. They were all dressed the same. I took some photos for a mommy and I touched the little princess behind the bars of the baby gate. I thought how wonderful your mommy is coming soon and just as quickly I thought 19 of you may never have a mommy or daddy. It breaks you. Those are the real memories I have of China. The ones that I can't erase from my heart. These are the ones that keep me up at night. Yesterday, as I sat in church praying, I thanked GOD for my girls and my boy in Heaven, but I also cried for those children who don't have a mother. I cried for two young children in our church who buried their mother spring break and their father who is trying to deal with a new life for his smaller family. This family settling in for life without their loving mother and then on this day having that wound ripped open once again. I also cried for those children that have no mother. See I am ruined. On a day filled with love and peace I was reminded of the pain in my heart for a child lost and the thousands that are looking to be found. My heart is ruined forever. I continue to advocate for them, but my heart wants me to do more. My FATHER IN HEAVEN wants me to do more. What is it I am supposed to do? I just don't know what that is. We are so blessed by our girls, but my heart feels there should be more. Only our LORD can make this happen and I pray this day and forever for the children looking for their forever mother and father. I weep for them and I pray for them. HOPE is all they have and I pray that they continue to have hope. Every mother out there kiss and hug your children tonight and be thankful that GOD chose you to be their mom.

Hopelessly Ruined?

I have been reading a book by Kay Warren. It is called Dangerous Surrender. She discusses the moment she became completely surrendered to GOD. Like just give it all up to him. It started with reading a magazine article and ended up a life changing moment in her life. As I read the pages I wonder what my moment in this life is and what is it that has shaken me more than anything else. Was it the moment that I miscarried my child in a cold hospital room while praying the Hail Mary for three hours? Was it the moment that I looked up at Mark in an operating room and realized my son was dead? Was it the moment that I walked into an orphanage and realized that my child was one of hundreds that needed a mommy and daddy? Which one could it have been? They are all so life changing, but I still feel that I am the same. I sit in the same place almost ten years later and nothing shows for the pain, joy, and love that I have found in my hometown and across the world. I feel that I am at a crossroads in my life. I continue down this road or I actually do something that is truly life changing. Kay Warren takes the path of action. She takes up the plight of AIDS not only at home, but she travels to Africa and Asia. She looks at it and then she touches it. She takes her hand in the hand of the afflicted and suffering and she prays for them. Not in her living room still looking at the photo on the magazine, but in Africa and Asia. In the book she talks about how the suffering she has witnessed. Things that she has seen with the naked eye have ruined her. Her heart is now ruined to the point that she never ever forgets what she has seen with her naked eye. It is like a scar on her heart and she continues to battle for the suffering and the afflicted because she has seen them up close. She has touched it. As I think of this I think that is me. I can't erase the hundreds of orphans I saw that one day. They were all in the same room celebrating children's day of all things. As I looked across that room I thought how many will have a home to go to 20 maybe 30 at the most. As those 20 or 30 leave another 20 or 30 will take their place. Who will bring them home and how many of the 500 will call this home forever? It broke my heart in the same moment that I should have been filled with such joy of bringing my little girl home. It was like the day AG was born. Strange how your life collides the same way but differently. There I was looking at life and death at the same time. How is that possible to hold one alive and vibrant child in one hand and next to her one dead lifeless little boy. How does your heart know heartache and joy in the same instant? How does it take it all in and not just explode? It has happened to me twice. Why is that GOD? Why would I have such a split heart at these moments in my life not once but twice? What are you preparing me for? What does it all mean? How does it all play out? As I wait for GOD's plan for me I spend countless hours looking at pictures of orphans needing a home, yet I don't do anything. I sit and hope that someday I will be able to go back. I will be able to bring another orphaned child home. Mostly, I think of the boy I lost and the thousands of boys that are left at orphanages. They are lost. They are lost to a world of plenty. They are always the last to leave. They are the last to be chosen. Many do not even know they exist. China is known for its girls available for adoption, but most never consider the special needs boys who sit and wait for someone to bring them home. An entire generation of boys will soon age out of the system. That means they will be homeless in the very near future. What will happen to this group of young men? How will they survive? This is what haunts my heart and makes me long to bring a boy or two home. This is what breaks me and keeps me up night. I hurt for them in China and around the globe. Boys that have met this same plight live in the streets of Russia, India, many nations of Africa, Eastern Europe and Latin America. They are the forgotten. Teenage girls find themselves in the streets as well and their lives are just as painful. Child slavery, prostitution, and worse. Why does our society forget these children? We forget our own as well. There are thousands of teenagers on the available list here in the United States. Why? Why do they endure the foster care system for so long? Why have we as a country forsaken them? What would Jesus think of us? What does he see as he looks down upon us? What can I do? Scream in the night. Pray for them all. Sit and look at their sweet faces all hours of the night. What is it I am supposed to do? Help me LORD!

BABY FEVER

I am going through baby fever once again. MaryAlice starts kindergarten in August and I find my self searching every adoption website. It has gotten more intense as I get all of Mary's paperwork together for kindergarten. Since about a year after we brought her home I have wanted to adopt again, but it just seems more intense now. Mark is not at all having any type of baby fever. Like not at all. How we are always in different directions with this I don't know. I just know in my heart that I want another baby and I am not sure where that is going to take me. I know that we will never go back to China because of different things, but mainly because I feel GOD wants us to go somewhere else. At first I thought it might be NEPAL, then I thought maybe South America, but now I am getting a feeling that we are destined to go to Africa. I just feel Ethiopia in my heart right now. I can't explain why, but I am just drawn there. I am not sure if its a girl or a boy, but I do feel like Ethiopia is our place. I am confused by all of this because I have no clue how we would even attempt to pay for it or how we would manage it with school expenses and all of that. I just am drawn to Ethiopia and I am not sure why. Months ago I felt drawn to the Philippines and then India once again, but now I am just drawn to Africa. I am going to read some books about Africa and see where it takes me. I know that there are millions of orphaned children there due to AIDS/poverty/etc. I know that children are abandoned daily there and they need parents just like the orphans of all nations. I am praying that the LORD will get us through this and if I am wrong about another adoption, He will get me through my baby fever once again. I want another toddler in the house and I am hoping Mark will come around and our finances will too. I know GOD has a plan and I'm praying He will guide us to do His will.

God's Promises

How do you get through? If you know it to be a promise from GOD, why is it so hard to get through? Each Godspot in my life makes me wonder how I got through even with God carrying me. I love the FOOTPRINTS in the SAND poem. I still wonder how I got through and I know GOD was there and continues to be with me now. I think about all I have been through and I wonder is that all there is at the end of the day. Just living through or getting stronger and more faithful as you go? I know each time I am carried I am closer to GOD at that moment, but do I pull away once the crisis is over? Once the interruption is over, do I leave His side to carry on without Him. I feel like at times I am on a roller coaster that never stops running. Good times and bad, Happy times and sad and it is just on going. I want to stop it, but it never stops it just continues on. One good decision, one bad. One great moment, one really bad one. And I want more. I seek more out of this life. I don't need to be happy every minute of everyday, but I want to feel GOD's constant presence. I don't want to leave Him and I definitely don't want to feel that He leaves my side.